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Men, Menopause and the Proverbial Red Sports Car
2007-10-19
DEAR MARGO: I am 55 and have been married to a wonderful 62-year-old man for 20 years. I have always felt our marriage was strong. However, during the last nine months he has been corresponding by e-mail with a 40-year-old woman he met through work a year ago. She is a single mom who lives in another state. One day I noticed that he quickly exited his e-mail when I walked into the room, so I began to read these e-mails, though he doesn't know I can. The letters seem innocent enough, exchanging news and photos, jokes, etc., though I would say she is definitely encouraging him. He asked her to send him a photo of herself, which she did, and the one she chose was obviously selected to show off her curves. He spends a lot of time sending these e-mails, reading them and re-reading them. He is careful not to let me see them and runs to the computer if he forgets to close out the program. Although he told me all about her when he met her, he now never mentions her, or news of her, when clearly he has lots! He has also been talking in a sad way that he is old and life is short, and I think he is wishing he was younger so he could have a new life and try his hand with her. I love him but am not keen on being with someone who is constantly thinking of someone else. Can you advise? --- FORMERLY HAPPY DEAR FORM: This, my dear, is a mid-life crisis, and the new thinking (according to Psychology Today) is that these events are not about his age, but yours. Getting the proverbial red sports car and finding a younger replacement is not about a man trying to regain his youth; he's trying to regain his wife's prime time. Having a menopausal playmate spooks some guys. I think they are fools, but there you are. I would confront the old boy with what's going on, telling him you consider it flirting and cheating, if not outright heading for the exit. Then the ball's in his court -- or yours. --- MARGO, DIRECTLY There's Action, and There's Talk DEAR MARGO: I am writing to you from Madrid. I am in love with a great guy who has mentioned many times that he wants to marry me. He talks about having babies with me and how we are going to grow old together. Nonetheless, he has not bought a ring, set a date or even proposed. (We do live together, however.) The problem is when we go to family gatherings or meet friends, they all ask, "When are you guys getting married?" I feel uncomfortable not knowing what to say about our relationship. What can I answer without seeming cold or insecure? We have been together for four years, but I don't want to admit we don't have anything planned. I am feeling desperate. --- ANTSY IN MADRID DEAR ANT: Wake up and smell the commit-o-phobe. I don't think what to tell people matters to you half as much as the fact that you would like to be a bride. When a man repeatedly mentions marriage, talks about having babies and how he wishes to grow old with you, it is perfectly acceptable to ask him when he plans to get started on all this. Four years is certainly a reasonable trial period, and a nice time for you to announce that you are sure he's the one and you'd like to move forward. If he puts you off, then you may have to question the sincerity of his intentions. --- MARGO, PROVOCATIVELY Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here. COPYRIGHT 2007 MARGO HOWARD DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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